I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
