Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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