I faked an abortion last night.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
