I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I need moral support for this bender
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
