Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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