I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
