I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
