He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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