I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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