Where did you get a picture of my penis
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
