True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
