i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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