you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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