Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
