Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
