I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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