Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
