shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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