I think I won the penis lottery.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
