I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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