I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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