I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
