i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
