i wish there were pregnant emoticons
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
