I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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