It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
