There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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