My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
