i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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