I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
