Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
