ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
