Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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