I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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