If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
