Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
