My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
