Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
