Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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