My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
