Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
