Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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