Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
