Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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