I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
