weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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