so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
