you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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