I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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