so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
