I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
