Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
