Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
