When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
