She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
